broadwaybaby588

Haunted by the Future

2008-02-11T03:00:37Z

I've been thinking a lot lately. I realize that this is somewhat of a strange expression considering we all think all the time, but it just seems that I can't escape my thoughts anymore. I've become obsessed with how my future may turn out. I close my eyes and see myself, years from now, walking down a city street. I see myself working at a newspaper, doing what i want to do. I have a boyfriend at home, waiting for me to return. The picture seems ideal, but I can't help thinking that it'll never happen. I can't help feeling that I'll never find that person, that perfect job will never come. I fear that I'll fail. I try my hardest constantly to make sure my future is bright, but there are so many other people out there doing the same thing and doing it better than me. I feel mediocre. This frightens me, because it's not me at all. I'm the confident one who knows what she wants and goes and gets it. I'm the one who's successful and driven. I feel like I can't be that girl. The impression of failure is haunting me, keeping me awake at night. I sound crazy, and who knows, maybe I am, but I can't help that this feeling won't go away. I can't help feeling that it's all in vain, all the work I do and the sweat I pour into my writing. I'm not one of those emo people that write these kinds of things, but I feel like I have to get it out, that somehow putting it into words will suck the poison out of my wounds. Maybe now I can heal. It is doubtful, but it feels better than letting it fester inside. Now that the words are written, I move on, once again to work towards my unsure future.

The New Year

2008-01-01T08:39:14Z

So holidays are supposed to be a day of celebration amongst friends and family. New Years' is all about drinking large quantities and partying all night with the ones you love...or even strangers. I did this...or at least I tried to. After a party, once most people leave and others fall asleep, I'm left alone to reflect on the year whose death I just celebrated with a toast. I witnessed drama between friends and roommates, the loss of friends, the making of new friends, new knowledge and great times with the ones I love. However, I still rang in the new year alone, sans kiss from a member of the opposite sex who cares for me. I don't mean to be the girl who complains about her love life and how pathetic it makes me feel. I am not an emo preteen who has nothing better today, but in a sense of reflection, I realize that love is only real part of my life that I lack. I am not egotistical or conceited, but I'm a pretty girl. I've been told this a lot and I'm confident in my appearance. However, I just cannot seem to attract a guy. I cannot help but watch the ball drop and see my friends and happy couples embracing without feeling a slight tug on my heartstrings. It just makes me wonder what it really takes to win over a man. Maybe it's the cliche story and I "just haven't found the right one", but I cant help but wonder why I haven't found anyone (well at least lately). I see girls with half my brains or looks with numerous flocking after them, and I really just don't understand. Maybe I'm destined to be alone, watching year after year pass before me, watching others connect in ways that I cannot. Maybe it's not meant to be. And this may sound more pessimistic or depressing than I mean it to be, but I feel it may be the truth, which I've accepted. I've become accustomed to falling asleep alone and watching my friends fall in and out of love, I'm okay with it should it be my destiny. However, nights like these sting like nothing else, and I am embarassed to say: they hurt like hell.

Happy New Year All, try to live your destinies...

Me, in a nutshell

2007-12-16T18:53:29Z

Okay, so I just figured I'd post a little bit about myself for my first post because I really don't feel you can get a sense of a person from a few random words in a box on a screen. Basically I'm a hardcore journalism student, I love writing and even though this here may not actually reflect it, I'm good at it...and I'm not egotistical, I'm just confident. I want to write about politics, theater or film, which aren't really hardcore subjects but I really love them all. I think politics are really important, sadly nobody really can stand to pay attention to them nowadays which is quite unfortunate considering we live in a "democracy" where the people are supposed to be making the decisions that rule our lives. Anyways, I love theater of all sorts, and if I had the voice for it I would be on the stage in a heartbeat. I used to act a lot when I was a kid and through high school and it was some of the happiest times of my life. Anyways I'm addicted to showtunes and sadly I listen to them way to often. Right now I'm at school, though Im counting the days until graduation when I'm moving to NYC. Yes, I am one of those people who are desperate to move to the city and make it big. However, I'm realistic, I know that journalists don't make a lot of money and I'll probably be in debt for most of my life, but I'm in it for the sort of glory. I think having your name printed with a great story is one of the best feelings in the world. I love being the person to know things first and to share it with others, basically I like gossiping, but about real world issues not celebrities. Well that's sort of me in a nutshell, give or take a few details people probably don't care about....anyways take care all.